Sri Aurobindo's vision
My lupus was diagnosed a few weeks ago. I have been having a few good days and a few bad days.
I have been rereading "The Essential Aurobindo" - edited by Robert McDermott, remembering some information about "Integral Yoga".
The eternal yoga has a secret in the heart, the eternal knowledge and eternal perfection is held as a "bud closed and folded up within us. It opens ... through successive realizations, once his heart, no longer compressed and confined by attachment to finite appearances, becomes enamored ... of the Infinite".
I have talked throughout this writing about how to have a new way of being and how we can live it in the ordinary world reality. "he whose chooses the Infinite has been chosen by the Infinite". So many of us are now choosing and being chosen. We are learning and creating new ways of living the world.
"The word within may be the utterance of the inmost soul in us which is always open to the Divine or it may be the word of the secret and universal teacher / world teacher who is seated in the hearts of all. ... always and form the beginning must live in this own soul beyond the written truth - beyond all that has been heard, and all that is yet to be heard. ...turning the human soul from the egoistic state of consciousness absorbed in outward appearances and attractions, to a higher state in which the transcendent and universal can ... mold and transform it.".
We know that the old ways are no longer working. The "now" isn't working. what we have yet to know, to create, is what does work. It is not to be discouraged when we hear of small wars and massive starvation. Look from the eye of the witness and see the growth, the change of the ways of the world.
Sri Aurobindo created - spoke of some potential forward movement. He knew and saw possibilities some years ago. He did not live to see the fruit but he helped plant the seeds. Some of the things he said and wrote are included in this writing.
"Behind all appearance is the absolute reality of a "being", a being of consciousness, a singularity without any "other" or "non-being" to delineate itself or to know itself".
"All appearance of form; gross, subtle, and spirit, are aspects of that sole being. Creation and separation are results of attempts to know self".
"A veil of unknowing - of ignorance of the whole creates a separateness from conscious awareness of union with that being, the absolute source". It is this veil, this closed gateway, that is being opened, that children today are being born with the nature that is without.
Non-sentient-ness is the state of form without any consciousness of self and other. "Source being" manifest matter and is involved in and part of matter. "Evolution is the process by which it liberates itself; consciousness appear in what seems to be inconscient, and having appeared is self-impelled to grow toward a greater perfection (Sri Aurobindo)."
The beginnings of life, was the first step into a return to consciousness of original self. The development of Life into form was step two. Mind was the third step. Form, mind, and consciousness led to self awareness as parts of a whole. Mind encompassed ego and ego got stuck in self importance, suppressing the desire to remember source and full consciousness of origin. Simultaneously, mind is the expression of and awareness of self. Mind comes to believe it is all that exists.
The next step is toward something beyond mind. Previously, spirit has been the perceived solution, spirit as the dominant power in conscious being. Spirit has been defined in this layer of manifest reality as something to connect with post-death or to know through drawing away from the world. Previously each new evolutionary movement contained the prior evolutionary processes.
Bring into the world --- a supramental Truth-Consciousness. Transformation from mental limits and ignorance to a divine self/race on earth is the next step of evolution. Aurobindo calls this the supramental descent.
We, as humans, have been making the ascent into the supramental. Having connected with the heights, we now are in the descent. We bring the supramental - the spirit of sacred connection with us as we move down through the chakras into the root chakra and all that entails. Balance is found in the heart. Spirit and matter merge into union. We all begin to live through the heart.
written and put into this website - 10/10/98
This is what the fifth world is about. The supramental is the new level of consciousness required for transition into the new time. It is the way we create the reality we want to experience. It will be interesting to see if we include the concept of time in the same way. Space and the form, which comprises space, will definitely be different. Everything we conceive of as form is no longer enough to encompass the consciousness. Yes, our skulls shifted to allow space for more brain tissue to translate and enact the consciousness of the collective unconscious more effectively, but there are new realms to become aware of and new understanding to bring into this place. I don't have any concept of the necessary requirements. Perhaps better utilization of the neuron system, the use of the space between the gaps, will be enough. OR understanding the chemistry of the body may be required to facilitate the creation and transmission of messages more effectively.
Other possibilities include changes in physical form to include the subtle realms and spiritual essence more fully. We may create a less dense form that is more receptive of higher vibrational realms. We could choose to eliminate the physical forms we now have and reside in. We could create an energy form to bring spirit into this realm. The possibilities are unlimited and require our cooperation as humans, with all that is divine, in order to determine what the new ways will include. Certainly the last of the dinosaurs could not have conceived the new forms of beings to live in this realm. They had not the mind, the essence, the intelligence, or the awareness to even try. We may have a curiosity about the possibilities. But we have not the conceptual framework to imagine the potentialities.
written and inserted - 10/16/98
Susan's Dream Susan called - She had had a dream of attending a presentation, an event. Many people were in attendance. The presentation resembled a Hindu dancing a ritual world - changing process. It was a celebration to bring the age of peace. In her dream, 95% of the people in attendance walked out. Is this a representation of our fear that people won't wake up or is it the probability of our future.
It seems to be a lack of waking up. I have not given up on the concept of a world wide awake.
Aurobindo On Perfection
Perfection is the intensity of the turning, the force which directs the soul inward. It is the power of aspiration of the heart, the force of the will, the concentration of the mind, the perseverance and determination of the applied energy.
Perfection is the measure of that intensity. ...the zeal of the whole nature for its divine results, the heart's eagerness for attainment of the divine. ... devours the ego - and breaks up the limitations of its petty and narrow mold - for the full and wide reception of that which it seeks - that which, being universal, exceeds and, being transcendent, surpasses even the largest and highest individual self and nature.
Integral Yoga has three stages:
1. An initial and enabling self-transcendence - direct contact with the Divine.
2. Receiving "that" into ourselves for the transformation of our whole conscious being.
3. Utilize our transformed humanity as a divine center in the world.
As long as there is a lack of sustained identity with the Divine, an element of personal effort must predominate. In proportion as this contact establishes itself ........... There becomes a consciousness that a force transcending egoistic and endeavor and capacity begins to work ..... We learn to submit, surrender to this Power.
One's own will and force become one with the higher Power. They merge in Divine will and its transcendent and universal Force. This union presides over the necessary transformation of mental, vital, and physical being with an impartial wisdom and provident effect-ivity of which the ... ego is not capable. When the identifying and merging are complete - the divine center in the world is ready. Enlightenment brings the knowledge that the ego is only an instrument ... it all is our own in the sense that they and we are one with the supreme and integral Self, one with the Transcendent.
The apparent freedom and self-assertion of our personal being, to which we are so profoundly attached, conceal a most pitiable subjection to a thousand suggestions, impulsions, forces which we have made extraneous to our little person. Our ego, boasting of freedom, is every moment the slave, the toy and the puppet of countless beings, powers, forces, influences in universal Nature. The self-abrogation of the ego in the Divine is self-fulfillment; its surrender to that which transcends it is its liberation from bonds and limits and its perfect freedom.
It can be dangerous to imagine or assume too soon that we are altogether in the hands of the Supreme or are acting as its instrument.
1. Seize the egoistic energies and turn them toward the light and the input.
2. Train them to recognize the light and right - to accept and follow that.
3. Learn to use personal will, personal effort, and personal energies to represent higher Power and in conscious obedience to the higher influence.
4. Then will, effort, energy become no longer personal and separate - but activities of higher Power and influences at work.
5. The gift of distance and the last separation dissolves - and all in the individual becomes the divine working.
Integral Yoga is the eternal Veda secret in the heart of every man in the inner guide, the world teacher - secret within us ....
- It destroys our darkness be resplendent light of knowledge
- It becomes the increasing glory of self-revelation
- It discloses the nature of freedom, bliss, live, power, and immortal being.
- It enables identity with the universal and transcendent.
There is nothing too small to be used and nothing too great to be attempted. The force working within is impersonal - super-personal and infinite. Find the master of the secret who dwells within, open constantly to Divine Power and Divine Wisdom. Love and trust it to effect the conversion. Believe in the something unseen within (vs. external and extraneous).
10/17/98 - Cliff here
Dreams - in the Bardo
Some children climbed to the top of a tall building then went out on a ledge. There were about 12 - 15 young children aged 1 to 2. By the time I reached them, the ledge was about 12 inches wide and they were all straddle the ledge with tiny feet hanging over the sides. The building that had been there previously had been dismantled. Parts of a window remained. The children thought it would be safe on the other side of the window, where they had climbed through sometime earlier. It was a struggle to keep them from going through the window where they would have fallen to their death. Some of the toddlers did fall. I couldn't make them sit still until we were rescued and there were too many to try and hold still. Some of the children were carried down by men on ladders, like a fireman might use. They couldn't save all of us before the building remnants collapsed. Some of the older little ones and I began the climb down the remaining bricks.
The next dream was very much the same. We were balanced on top of stacks of something like boxes and they were beginning to breakdown. This time we found a long narrow tube to climb into and planned to slide down to the bottom. A third dream was very much a repeat and we were on the top of a tall pile of mattresses.
There was no resolution in any of the dreams. I don't know if there was any success at all or if we all died. The dismantling of the "world" on which we were so precariously perched was the primary theme. The "world" as we knew it was breaking down - dissolving. The replacement, if any, was uncertain. We had no way of knowing what the future would hold - or even what the possibilities were.
In a mall or store. Leann, Michael, and Matthew - Leann was trying to get them all out, save them - then in a school - Leann trying to get them out to safety. Finally arrived as place of perfection, peace - live happily ever after. (more later)
Between Life and Death: The Bardo
In Hindu teaching and many Buddhist teachings, there is discussion about the place after death where one awaits transport to what ever comes next. This dream began some time after 7:00 AM one morning and lasted until 2:00 PM. Several times I awoke and went to the bathroom and returned to bed and sleep. Each time I returned precisely to the same point in the dream. I simply took up where I had left off. In this dream I was both lucid but was fully a participant as myself, Carol Dawn. I became fully nothing. All my questions were answered. I understand nothing. There is nothing to understand.
The dream began at a place in the woods we had been creating over the years for proper alignment with the cosmic energies. We had discovered the place intuitively. It was in a heavily wooded area, secluded in its perfection. We began by establishing the perimeter. Almost everything was in circles or semi-circles. When the dream began, I immediately went through a series of memories about the place; how it was created, why it was created, what we had done there and what our plans were for future meetings. Meetings/gathering were of two main kinds. Some of the meetings were completely shamanic in nature and involved one group of people. Other meetings were very scientific. This group was made up of a number of humans of high intelligence, others of high mystic abilities, and there were non-human entities. Many of those beings had temporarily taken human form to make work with us easier. It was psychologically more comfortable for us and physically facilitated the work process for them. Their forms were not accustomed to the physical work in the earth environment.
*One of the classes I teach is Brain and Behavior. This class is about the physiology of behaviors, interactions, thoughts, feelings, and other physically influenced psychological processes. We learn about neurons, chemical pathways, chemical messengers, and neurotransmitters. After re-reading this very long dream process, and doing extensive dreamwork on it, I began to make some connections between the dream and our developing physical processes and way of "seeing more".
We are limited to what is in our perception and understanding by our early selection of neuronal pathways. Infants are born with many more pathways than are ever developed. Early learning establishes thinking and processing paths and the " extra" are discarded. They atrophy and are reabsorbed by the body.
It is true that we do not grow new brain cells. However we can create new pathways of information processing, sensing in a wider array than what we have come to know as "normal". The limited pathways limit our perceptions. This limited way of "seeing" is referred to in the Christian Bible and "veils" and "seeing through a glass darkly". In other words our "seeing" and understanding is limited.
As this world changes and we begin to enter into a new time and a new way, we are developing new neuronal pathways. Meditation (from the east), calming - stress management techniques (from the west), ceremony (from Native Americans), ritual (from Africa and old Celt teachings), all focus on connecting with the something beyond ourselves in new and powerful ways. The connecting methods also develop brain chemistry and the message pathways of the brain. We see and know more and in different ways.
At this place the trees are so thick one can't see into the woods to this special place. It was protected by a special kind of barrier so strangers would not enter. * Veils of non-seeing". Outsiders simply turned away when they came close. Close to the center there were paper-like structure that formed a sort of wall. * Thin, almost non-tangible barriers. The shamanic kinds of gatherings that were held there could not seem to recognize that other areas of the project existed beyond the paper walls. * More veils of non-seeing. Several others and I had worked for a long time to help this energy source become more activated. It was for the common good of mankind and facilitated communication between realms. * We had been working to develop new ways of seeing and knowing. The veils were open only for the few dedicated pursuers, the mental/spiritual seekers. At first there was only non-physical communication, and transportation through the gateway of some of the subtle bodies of humans. *deep meditation and out of body work. There were scientist from this and other realms who participated in the creation of this place. * Unknown sources. I had been there many times in the past. I continue to know the way intimately. We had used advanced sacred geometry and advanced mathematics in its formation. Energy, magnetic fields, and lay lines were channeled in such a way that they would merge in the center. This merging created a gateway into other realms. * Work with the gateway has been my job since the beginning of my path. The gateway was fully opened after the large metallic plate, slightly bowl-shaped, was found barely under the soil. It is my understanding that it had been placed there by some of the non-human entities we worked with. * the veils were opened for spirit travelers. It was about 40 feet from side to side. * The "plate" stood on edge creating an opening in the center. We, the participants, could choose to step through the opening or remain on the earth world side. Some of us eagerly moved through. Others waited to see what might happen to those of us who traveled into the spirit world. When I first arrived at the gateway in this dreamwalk, I immediately recognized it as a place I had been many times previously - in other altered states of being and in non-physical form. I had previously worked there in dreams and trance states, and in physical form. I did not remember it in conscious awareness until this particular dream experience. Now it is difficult to think I could ever have not remembered. It was a place of perfect union of the cosmos. The walk, the access to the plate was something of an invisible maze. There were very specific lines of energy to follow in order to gather energy and become prepared to participate in this cosmic union.
* My personal path includes moving through to the Motherwomb.
floating in a soundless sea of the softest blackness
in the void the mother of the universe that contains us all
the finest velvety caress flowing endlessly
with touch after gently touch ... cradled in the motherwomb
sleeping in the dark swirl of love and peace ... in love
a kind not felt in other places or times
the shimmer of sulky currents transport us form the void
from the comfortable womb of nothingness
and births us to the school of life
between the womb and school
we pass through he 'symphony of the universe'
become one with the conductor then travel onward
to the classroom of knowledge
as we re-enter the heaviness of physical experience
the purpose of human learning flashes briefly before us
passing on, to the level of the forgotten
we recall so briefly, our roles student, and in turn teacher
we recall our commitment to advancing to ever higher levels
we remember that the path leads though cold empty darkness
through profound aloneness ...
through the pain of learning by experience
in that brief flash of 'knowing we ask why why must I return
the cosmic chuckle replies
you bought the ticket you take the whole ride
you travel the entire length of the chosen path to the end of the line
as we enter, we re-know the necessity of releasing fears and pains
of letting go of angers and resentments ...
of attaining our own self-freedom by freeing our addictions
and being fully us
we then recall the joys
of living beyond the levels of human suffering
and we are left with an after-image of all we've been and seen
to give us aid to help us allow life to live us
then, with a gentle shrug of the shoulders
we willingly re-enter forgetfulness and school begins anew
we're left with a vague memory a portion of a dream
an 'almost thought' of something greater
the ghost images slightly out of sight that keep us looking
that make us seekers ... that drive us onward
on quests to know to be to do
so on we go attending school each day
looking over our shoulders for that remembered velvet caress
attending the right classes that offer the needed lessons
passing some, repeating others until we learn, until we know
until we all - remember
we're given - or we find occasional peeks at the possible
mini- views of the knowable unknown we're given - or we create
those rare occasional peeks at the peaks
by carol dawn '84
On this particular visit, we were establishing an area, protected from the elements, set into the hillside. We lined it so it would be waterproof. Three sides were cut into the hillside and it was open toward the area of the gateway. We had brought comfortable plush seating. Open fireplaces were on each side of the opening for heat when it was needed. * This safe place was a way of staying near and open to the path, more fully, and all the time.
There was a shamanic meeting, a gathering, with ceremony after the building project.* This was an attempt by "the masses" to learn to move through the veils. After a time most of the people, the participants, had left. Four of us remained, Susan, Cliff, me, and a younger man I did not know. We were sitting in the observation place we had created. The gateway was opened and we were taken through (by some unknown source - in an unknowable manner). First we found ourselves at a place much like my grandparents home. It was not the same place. I did not know who lived there, but there were many family members and family I had never before met. In wakefulness I found myself wondering if they were all deceased. * Is the other side "death" as we tend to think of death? There was something like a revolution happening all around us and we knew that we had to escape. About 10 or 12 of us gathered food, blankets, and waters. We secretly took it all to my car. There was difficulty getting everyone and all the supplies in to the car, and the keys kept being lost. One relative with a new (2-day-old) baby was left behind. She seemed to belong to the people there and we did not. We were not concerned about anyone left behind. They were all safe. The road out was partly covered in water. Other parts were deep mud. Many people were everywhere blocking the road. Most of the people in and around the area didn't take any special notice of us but others wanted to kill us and take our car. The road was under construction. Overpasses were being built but they were incomplete and we could not travel over the mess but had to find a way through. There were occasional accidents we had to go around. I am unsure of our success in our escape. * Do I leave the familiar, or do I move into the unknown? Where is the greatest danger? Is it escape from or escape to?
We were then taken (in an unknown manner) to a house in a woods so surrounded by growth that no one could enter or leave except by one hidden path. That path could be opened and closed by only one person. He was something of a wild man, perhaps a bit crazy, but full of direct knowing of sacredness. The house was the center point. There was a 15 to 20 foot open area around the house, packed earth, then the solid wall of trees began. In traveling though the wall of trees, I guessed the woods to be about 50 foot deep. In going through the trees, the wild man led and the wall of trees in front of him seemed to open in front of him and then re-close after we passed though. When I turned to look behind us, I could see no trace of any way through.
One of the males, the younger man that I didn't know, was secluded in a room to himself. The room was only across the hall from us but there was no contact. He was kept away from the three of us - Susan, Cliff, and Me. The wild man would come and take away one of us at time. I was taken to a place for sex. The place changed us into an attitude of acceptance and comfort with sex and with fun and joy. It was not appropriate nor was it inappropriate. It was simply an experience. I assumed the others were taken to the same place but we never talked about it. It was not that relevant. The room we three were in was small with a small bath, a toilet and sink only. There was only one bed and we frequently took turns with who got the bed. It feels that we were kept there several days or weeks. There was no fear, and no uneasiness about the situation. It was a place of passing "time" (which didn't exist). I did feel curiosity and interest. * We must surrender to the unknown, and find comfort in being in the unknown. There is no way beyond, unless we are led.
At one point, he, the wild wise man, came to our room and lay beside us - all on one bed. We had group sex. Everyone participated. Afterward I wanted another orgasm. I felt less than fully satisfied. I began to pleasure myself. No one seemed to notice or care. Nor did I care. Then he, the wild man left. A short time later he came to a window in the room. We had not been aware of the window before then. The window was open and he stood in a prayerful state just outside the window. * What we think is reality is often not the reality we believe in. He had the appearance of a high holy man, perhaps a monk. He first called forth Cliff and gave him a gold coin. Then he called Susan to the window and gave her two gold coins. This was like the supreme amount possible for any one to be given from this place. Then he called me to the window and after staring into my eyes in a deep and mysterious way for a long time, gave me four gold coins (I didn't know how many until later). Then almost as an afterthought he gave me one more (five total). I don't know what happened to the other man, the younger man. * In some traditions, gold coins are put into the coffin with the dead body to provide money for the spirit to pay the fee to the "man in the boat" (one of the Gods) in order to be carried to the underworld (bardo) or where they believed they were to go. I was sure he gave me some sort of direct transmission of knowledge or wisdom. * In the Tantric traditions, and in Buddhism, secret teachings are often passed to the student in a direct manner. This is something like thought transmission, teachings beyond words. It is waking up for memory what has always been there behind the veils. Or perhaps he awakened some memory in me. The window (wooden) was closed and sealed from the outside. We three just stood there trying to understand what had happened. We sat down on the bed in silence and never discussed the events.
There was an open walk area around the house in the woods. We, all four of us plus the wild wise man, had been taken outside the house (for the first time) and the wild man was walking around the open space with us. He seemed to be showing us around the area. There was a partial fence with lots of open areas. We all understood to not go beyond the fence, even though we could not go through the wall of trees. I could see in the distance, tall buildings, or factories, which were spouting pollution into the atmosphere. * This was an open place for "seeing" what exist on the other side of our perceived reality. I knew and understood that nothing could enter from any side of the place. It was safe. But the area over the house and trees was vulnerable. We knew that the pollution would eventually reach the woods and the two special places. * Am I safe or am I unsafe. The place with the metal plate and here within the trees, would both be contaminated. Everything would be destroyed. Life would end. * What would the end of life mean?
The four of us were then taken to another place (again in an unknown manner) which joined with the metallic power place and the house secluded in the woods. This was something of an octagon shaped area. It was open but still there was some sort of an invisible shield * veils around the place. There was no breeze, smells or temperature awareness. * limited perception We were sitting, restrained in some way, to special chairs * no control and we were being given instructions (or a transmission) about something. We were given an adjustment period. Then a strange human-like form painted bluish substance - in a circle on the surface of the plate and then painted paths of the bluish substance - paths that extended to each of our feet and onto our feet and skin. * magical abilities brought to us, surrender to the process. The substance caused us to enter an altered state of mind. We were still completely aware but we were even more accepting (unquestioning) and comfortable with the unknown situation. We were all very much at ease and did not question the procedures. It all seemed completely normal.
We were now, fully, someplace else. We were firmly established in a place that was between lives and between places. We were in the Bardo - as I view it. We each knew that we were no longer related to the former physical reality. Susan, Cliff, the young man, and I were all aware of what was happening. It was something of a transport place, a bit like a major airport, a place of departure. It was a waiting room. It was both a divine place and an alien place. It was also, so very much more. In the experience of the moment, it stretched my mind to think about the waiting room as much as it stretched my mind to think about our old reality. It continues to stretch my mind to attempt to write about it. There was a great deal of activity all around us. Still, with so many people and so many lines of individuals waiting for processing, there was not as much noise as one might expect. Many people simply stood quietly with eyes and heads lowered, waiting indifferently. At this time I could see only human-like beings. My intuition told me that there were other places within the complex where very different kinds of beings were also waiting. I had flashes of them and their former realities - completely unlike ours. This waiting/transport place was not just for humans. It was for all entities.
The four of us stayed together, we remained in the same line. Others; families, couples, groups, were separated and sent to different lines or groups. I felt as if no one was as aware of the strangeness of everything as I was. We talked a bit, sometimes with words (out of habit), and other times silently. We just knew what the others were saying and there was no surprise at the lack of vocalization. Words were simply extraneous and often inadequate.
Our "papers" were examined at some early stage of the process. The staff had made notes and directed us to specific places. The examination of our papers included the coins we had been given. They were looked at closely, and many notes were made. It was as if the coins were each different. Prior to this close look we had thought the coins were all the same. Our own examination of the coins could detect no differences. Our physical bodies were also examined. Susan was first and was told that she was pregnant. The examiner pointed to a spot on her clitoris, turned to the others of us and told us that was where the pregnancy was. It did not occur to me to question the fact that pregnancies do not occur in or on the clitoris. She was given something, orally, to put the pregnancy on hold for a time. She would be giving birth to something new, in the new place she would be sent. The examiner and staff blessed her and gave instructions for special care. The physical examination was open to anyone who cared to see. Few people took notice of it. There were many examinations going on all around us. The four of us were interested only in each other. We had a deep bond.
Even though I was naked, my examination was more of an examination of energy. Particular attention was given to the root and genital chakras to ascertain that the chakras were fully opened. They knew already that the upper chakras were clear and active. My Don Tein (energy storage place in the lower abdomen) area was checked carefully through an internal exam, something like when a Dr. feels the ovaries from both the inside and externally at the same time. It was necessary to determine that my energy storage was sufficient to carry everything I was taking through to other realms. Questions were asked of me about how long I had been working with energy and my success and lack of. I remember nothing of the exams of the men. It didn't seem important.
I was taken to another area to reinforce my "container", my storage area in the area of the womb, and my luminous egg. The luminous eggs around us was the part of us that transformed into the form which could move through the realms. Once through, we would be given new physical and/or subtle forms appropriate for the new environment. What was being prepared was a morphogenic field to create and contain the form in the new place. We were allowed to keep the image of the forms we had used on the earth plane during this "bardo" place. It provided a familiar conceptual framework to understand "self" at this juncture. Every experience provided me more freedom from the limits of physical-ness. I
I knew that there was no longer any Carol. I knew that we were each "dead" as we had thought of it in the earth form world. I thought it a bit odd that we were going through so much "processing. I had expected it to be like walking through a door to the other side. It was, but the walk through that door was long and complicated. It was interesting but was an entire layer of reality in and of itself. As the processing continued, there became less and less "I" as "I' had formerly defined myself. As "I" dissolved, more of the witness self emerged until the witness was the primary "me". I continued to carry the image of Carol so the other three would recognize me.
Then I felt the witness self begin to merge with the total of all forms of beings in the Bardo. I could "be" Susan, or step into another area and "be" an "alien" with an understanding of that life force. I could "be" an examiner or processor. The defining lines between us had dissolved. "I" was something separate, "I" was each of the other beings. I was a witness. I was merged with everything to the point that there was no "one" at all there. The consciousness of a unique perspective that felt separate remained.
After a short time, the four of us were told that it would be awhile before we left, so we were taken to a place we could rest. I don't know why we needed to rest. It was a large room with a kind of fold-down bed/table. These were in stacks of four to six deep. There was barely enough space to lie flat between our bed and the bed/bunk above us. Temperature was controlled and we needed no clothes or blankets. Everything was neutral. We were given individual headphones to put us to sleep (or unconsciousness). I didn't want headphones and was allowed to not sleep. I stayed awake and observed. Meanwhile, my "papers" were being re-examined. Something, perhaps the coins, was noticed in a different way. The feeling was that they hadn't seen a situation exactly like mine. There was discussion in small groups. They had to consult a higher authority to decide what to do. After a whispered conversation among the staff and the authority, I was taken to another room and given a blanket for a bed that was more what we have in the earth dimension. It was a stark, white, and sterile room. The side of this room was dimensionally attached to a tourist/religions "salesroom". Perhaps it was some sort of museum. I could see into that space and reach through it. There was a shallow but long container in a glass case that had many small fetishes, talismans and religious symbolic items. There were carved wood Buddhas, Hindu malas of bone, Catholic rosaries, all kinds of prayer beads, small statues, jewelry, and more items I did not recognize, on a bed of white sand. I fingered the sand. I felt it and let it run through my fingers. I enjoyed the experience. I became aware of just how far removed I felt and was from the manifestations of the earth. The sand and the earth items felt like rare treasures from a distant world. I remembered rocks and trees, wind and light, smells and sounds. I found a small black bear fetish (stone) that I particularly liked and was allowed to pull it back to this, our alternate dimension as a memento.
As I was on the table/bed resting and thinking about the experiences, I decided that I wanted to masturbate. I needed/wanted to center my focus on body sensations that had dissolve away, and my other human sensations. I was given a mental message that it would be ok to try and re-capture the feelings. I began to think about it. Did I really want to gather those feelings again or did I want to experience what was in the here and now. Just as I created the first touch, I began to feel more distant from all realms and began to dissolve into my inner worlds. I was called back from that peaceful place just as they announced that it was time to leave this realm, to move on. I was returned to the larger group where my friends were. They - the staff - still didn't know where I should go so I remained with my friends.
Once again we were in line waiting for our departure. We were in a different place. It was a "nothing" place. The experience felt something like being at an airport gate and simultaneously in an isolation tank. I remained more "spacey" than others but also remained more aware. I has been "allowed" to remain conscious. My consciousness was dispersed through the waiting realm/isolation tank. There were times "I" would sort of melt and begin to slide to the floor and someone would grab me and support me until I could "walk" unaided. I would grin about the situation and just enjoy all of it. This is more difficult to describe than I thought it would be. There was no I, no sliding, no floor, no walking, no grinning, no enjoyment, no someone, and no nothing. But those are the only ways I can communicate - words.
Emotions of every kind were evident in the people in the first rooms - fear, anger, frustration, boredom, indifference, apathy, concern over family or friends, excitement, joy, pleasure . The entire array of emotions were being experience by individuals. One large group was being transported to "Tuscon", not the Arizona city. They were the most unaware beings. It was not a punishment place, It was an opportunity to learn what had not yet been learned. It was a place the others of us wanted to avoid. We remembered it like school, not bad, but definitely not fun. We sort of felt sorry for that group. No one told them we were sorry they were going there. But we all knew that there was a strong, unspoken feeling of gratitude about not having to do that part again. Been there, done that.
The group I was with, were still together in the "airport waiting room". We were still being processed for transport. When we went through this "gate" we looked the same as we had in our earth life experience. Coming out the gate, and going to our new destination, individuals had the appearance they would eventually have in the new place. I watched as Cliff came out and I recognized him. He did not know me. I think he could no longer see those of us who were waiting. The new appearance was sort of a "trying on" for fit. He was young, dark hair, dark clothes -somewhat western in appearance, cowboy hat, rugged, and good looking. He was carrying a picture that we (Cliff and I) had created together years earlier in a couple's workshop. It was a way of holding me close so that we could find each other in our new bodies. I knew where our new assignments would be and knew that were assigned to the same area. There was a large body of water between the assigned places, but they could be traversed. All four of us had been assigned to the same area. We could all become friends again.
Just as they were loading, or walking down the ramp, the leaders came to me and reexamined my "papers". The word "Buddha" and Christ was seen in my papers, seemingly for the first time. The coins were reexamined one more time. Notes were made, They talked among themselves. They called in some non-human beings and talked with them. I just wanted to move on. The decision was made to take me to another area, an area with an entirely different kind of destination. It felt as if someone was being chastised for allowing me to go so far through processing with these people. I was supposed to be someplace else. No one had caught the mistake. There was an almost thought of did I do good or did I do bad. But it really didn't matter to me.
In each area, we were "restrained" in some way, like mind control or drugs. Once again my "body" was a total loss as far as control of myself, but my awareness - my consciousness remained fully alert and activated. There was no caring, no concern, and no attachment to any kind of outcome.
In this new place I had been taken, everything was different. I would say that I was once again restrained, but there was nothing to restrain. Transmissions passed directly to and through me from one to another of us nothings. I could feel new teachings flow through my energy fields like warm soft light. It was as if knowledge and wisdom about everything I have ever known was being expanded inside me to include everything I had never known. The teachings of the ages were being given to me. There was some internally question about my ability to retain and contain all this. If it had been possible I would say that I felt a bit overwhelmed.
Additionally, all of this felt like the ultimate adventure. Finally I was being given truths. My questions were all being answered. I kept a silly "grin" on my "face" and continued to wonder "What's next". I could hardly wait for the next stage. I knew it would not be the realms of limits I had played in, in my past. There would be new and previously unknown places and experiences. I felt ready for anything.
So far, all the "people" I had been with had seemed something like ordinary people - human like. Now there was no resemblance to people, like humans or to aliens, or to spirit forms. There was nothing that was anything. But "they" were occasionally being sent to places that resembled earth, worlds very much like the planet from which we had come - as replacements.
I was to go to a place with no describable characteristics. At best it was an essence. It had no appearance. I couldn't yet comprehend in even the smallest way. I knew that I would be going to another kind of realm, not even something like a world. I knew that I would be carrying wisdom. I knew that I, and everything that I carried with me was not conceptual in any way. I was as an infant. I knew everything but could understanding nothing. The teachings and transmissions had not prepared me for any of this. Everything / nothing was completely new and unfamiliar. It still felt exciting. I was excited and had millions of questions, which I knew would not be answered. The knowing would be discovered through experiences. The Buddha concept was very strong in me. Christ energy, Buddha teachings, were being carried to this new realm in some way that was far beyond teachings. I remembered "light beings", Holy people, primitive "thinking" and living, and animal and plant nature. Nothing came close to fit.
Nothing could fit. There was nothing to fit. There was nothing. AND! Nothing had changed.
I write about absolute reality, about God-ness, about sacred, about ultimate source, and about creation. I've had some ideas. "I" still exist and yet I do not exist. I have been given answers to every question I have ever wanted to ask. I know less than I did when I began my quest. I am more "happy and content" than I can explain. I no longer know the meaning of any of the words. I am beginning from scratch once again. I have had several viewpoints presented to me. None seem correct. If I ever get it figured out I will let you know.
- Thoughts: Were the four friends really aspects of me? Was the "young man" part of my youth, and my masculine archetype, which I am attempting to integrate? Did he represent the unknown individuals who walk with me on the spirit path?
- Is the young man representative of all that is emerging in me?
- Is this really of interest and a source of learning for anyone but me?
- Once again, answers bring many more questions. My prayers are that I am gaining some wisdom through the many questions given to me.
This morning I played a tape by Jacquie Small about "Addiction and Spiritual Emergency". I have been thinking - knowing, that my physical illness was also a spiritual illness. The spiritual awakening is definitely a major part of my physical health issues. When the spiritual emergence is complete the physical aspects of lupus will no longer be a problem. Yes, I'm crazy but, it is the kind of crazy that is changing the world and creating a new reality.
The models of 'how to be' all fall to the wayside. We have no one or no pathway to follow which tells us how to be. We are creating a totally new way of being in the world.
Jeff came over after his dream group. We talked about some concerns, work, etc. Then we discussed the new way of being in relationship which we are part of creating. It is my desire that more and more of us can create new and more open, intimate ways of being with each other. We are learning to relinquish our protective armor.
Stray thoughts of suicide continue to dance in my ordinary consciousness. I went to the Doctor to have blood test and check my thyroid. I think we are going to change/adjust my medication. It will mean one to four weeks of major shifts in my emotions. I am not eager to undertake this action, but if it helps me to stabilize then I am willing. I sometimes wonder how removing my thyroid at age 17 contributed to "all this stuff". If it was a trigger to help me open - then I am glad. If it was caused by an early Lupus flare, then it is just what it is. Ultimately, that is the only answer, it is just what it is. It is all who I am now and what I am dealing with.