Remember Who You Are   Layers of Dreams    "Beating Death"  Council of Elderhearts

Life Continues After Dreamwalking   Comments of Tantra  Dreams, Bhodisattva Vows and More 

 Dying in Canyon de Chelley


By Carol WhiteWater Dawn

Dreamwalking is a multi-part (Dreamwalking through dreamwalking 11) writing which begins in a time that my life was almost unbearable due to pain I was experiencing. In the midst of serious illness, my life shifted ... again. A series of dreams, visions, personal encounters, and experiences took me to ever-greater depths of consciousness. This group of writings is a work in progress. No part of it is complete. Each day brings me new awareness and new awakenings. My entire life and all that I share with you is subject to change as life changes happen to me.

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I've been in some level of pain for about as long as I can remember. For much of that time the pain has been relatively easy to ignore. The diagnosis changes from time to time. Lupus, fibromyalgia, connective tissue disorder, neuralgia, Dercum's disease, arthritis, chronic fatigue, as well as others are some of the list. Because all are overtly 'invisible', I think many thought it might not be 'real'. We are now working under a diagnosis of a rare from of multiple sclerosis. The label isn't especially important any more. I have cycles that go from fairly easy to live with to times that are so extreme I must depend on heavy doses of narcotics. I've been on disability since 2005. 

I treat the symptoms - mostly pain, work with all the spiritual tools I know, and wait for remission.

I frequently can see the 'gifts' of even the most difficult times.

z Ε z  



  Carol WhiteWater Dawn

Dec 2008

Remember Who You Are. 
     Words for Me, Words for Others

"Remember Who You Are" That is the message that I live and I teach in all situations. I may say it in many different ways but the meaning is always the same. Remembering includes our values, our beliefs, our personality, and everything that we consider self. It includes examining all those aspects of self and adding additional dimensions of truth. Sometimes it involves setting aside everything we previously believed to be true in light of new experiences. We are remembering that we are offspring of Source having a physical experience on this tiny planet we call Earth. I have often heard this expressed as spirit having a human experience not humans having a spiritual experience. 

Even that expression is limited. We are remembering that there is only ONE.

This is a time of transformation of self into Self, of merging spirit and matter in brand new ways, of transforming time and space, transforming our understanding of reality, and learning to live in this new creation. We humans are in a beautiful process of evolution that allows us to awaken and remember our true nature - our authentic selves - our relationship with the Universal Consciousness. 

When I wrote those comments in 1996 they were true. They are true today ... even more so. The meaning has expanded and continues to expand as more and more of us contemplate who we are and why we exist.


Layers of Dreams

Dec 2008 - Dreams continue to be layered for me. Most of us have had the experience of waking from a dream only to find ourselves waking again from the dream that we dreamed we dreamed. We also seem to awakening from the bigger dream that we have defined as reality for so very long. We discover that it is not that we were mistaken in our understandings just that we had been self limiting. Many people are removing some of the limits and discovering that like a dream within a dream it isn't the higher awakening. The following layered dreams still seem especially significant - in meaning and in prediction.


The Dream - last Thursday

There were three main layers of the dream all occurring at the same time. The top dream layer had many strata with multiple levels of beings, many realms and realities.

 We (I don't know who) adults and many babies and young children - were on a platform made of wood - something like a stadium - and we could see the other layers below us - no notice of anything above us.

 The platform began to separate into planks. Planks "floated" in this atmosphere which was thicker than air - less dense than water. Each of us had a number of babies on our plank with us. I was nursing babies. Memories of that bond between mother and child were renewed in my mind. These are not my babies - I didn't give birth to them. But I had the nurturing milk they needed. Some babies fell into the depths below (too many to save all of them - had to focus on the ones remaining) but no distress was expressed or felt. It was just part of the drama of life on this reality.

 Some of the lower level beings were trying to reach our level and were a "danger" to all of us - but mostly the babies were in danger. There were also some beings like "us" who were trying to come "home" to where we were. We wanted to welcome the ones like us - who were safe - but we did not want the ones who were dangerous. The ones who were potentially harmful had learned to "look" like us. We had to develop a way of telling the "real" beings from the impersonators. We learned to look to see if they were wearing a wig (danger exposed) or if they had some kind of disguise (like in the movie Cocoon. We had to pull a piece of flesh to the side to look under it and see if they were real. When we discovered an imposter we pushed them off the plank. They immediately sank to some unseen depths below (Looking back - I don't know if they were truly dangerous or just different - therefore, perceived as dangerous).

 We - on the planks - decided that we would have a better chance if we went in different directions. My group went to the right and the other to the left. ** In my Tantra studies, the Left-Hand path follows the Mother Tantra - all things come from the void. It is formless and beyond body. The Right Hand path is of form / body and work in the world.** There was no further contact with the left-hand group. After a while, my group and the strata below came to some kind of opening - similar to a cave. The atmosphere began to swirl into the opening but the separate strata were maintained. All down the cave/tunnel there were levels that one could have reached out to - grasped - and anchored. One could have chosen to stay on that level. I did not see anyone stop. The swirl continued and there was curiosity about where we might be going.

 The Dream - layer # 2 - IN THE CLOSET

At the same time - different dream - simultaneously occurring. Yes! I dream in layers. Sometimes several dreams at one time. I could say something flip like, "It saves time". But I don't understand it. And more importantly, I don't need to understand.

 I was in a closet in my mother's house (a real closet). Shelves with blankets, clothes, boxes, etc. Under the blankets was one of Daddy's rifles. I wondered why it wasn't in the safe with the other guns. Many hanging clothes - adult and many children and baby clothes. On the floor and elsewhere were sleeping bags, boxes, clothes hamper, folding table, chairs … many items stored. One of the items was a "stuff bag" filled with my dad's things (Daddy died in 1989).

 A group of women were having a garage sale in a side yard. Some of the closet items were taken to the sale. Decisions were being made about what to save and what to sell (get rid of).

 Daddy came into the picture. **Frequently my work in other realms involves my family members who are no longer here.** He had an electric saw (larger than a carving knife but smaller than a chain saw) and sawed the "stuff bag" in half with one quick movement - also halving all the items inside … a ball cap, a necklace bought for Mother but not given, fishing items, waders … many things. The message was, don't hang on to all that "old stuff". Nothing was usable any more.

 I am still in the closet and find an opening at the back of the closet. I go through the opening and find myself in a closet in my grandmother's house. Some of the things I remember being there were still there. There were many other things, everything from the quilt box, and other things such as some rifles which were leaning in the corner.

 I open some of the boxes and find things Granny had put away. Many I had never before seen. I wondered about what meaning those things had for her … a scarf, jewelry, glasses, gloves, shoes….

 Then I found another opening at the back of that closet and was in the third level of the dream. I was still in the first layer on the plank, finding new planks when the ones we were using began to loose buoyancy. I was still wondering where the spiral was taking us. I was looking at the stop off places on the side and watching out for the babies and dangers.

 Daddy was still "talking" about not holding onto the "stuff". The women were still selling things in the garage sale. I was still sorting through old memories and stored treasures.

The Dream - layer # 3 - THE CELLAR and BEYOND

I went through that door at the back of the closet in my grandmother's house and went down steps into the cellar. There were canned goods, a rolled mattress - for when we stayed there during a storm, there were lanterns, oil … other things. Memories of childhood hours playing in that cellar flowed through my thoughts in the dream. I reminded myself to tell Mother about Daddy, the stuff and the cellar when I woke up.

Yes … Again. I was aware of the dreams and was watching while I was participating. It's something like watching three televisions at the same time. Being aware that you are dreaming is commonly known as lucid dreaming. The watcher of dreams is a bit different and there are many levels or layers of the 'watcher' .

While in the cellar I was thinking about where we could store more things. Everything was full to overflowing - no more room. Still I didn't want to let go of anything, the past, the memories, the "stuff".

I found an opening at the back of the cellar. This was familiar. It is a place I visit frequently. I have never gone down these steps past the third or fourth step. I stop short. I'm unsure why. There are many more things stored on the wide shelves at the left … willow and deer-hide burden basket, boxes … full of old stored memorabilia. I know that everything is intact, just as it was when it was put away. I begin to open boxes and look at the stuff.

"We" (several of us - I don’t know who) begin to gather lights, lanterns, sleeping bags, food … supplies for a trek into this place. It will be a long journey. I "know" that it connects to something important. I am eager to find out what is beyond the end of the steps and on the many levels to follow. I am glad to have company. I'm not really comfortable going alone.

As in the many visits before, I wake up before going to the depths. 

You Gestalt and Jungian people will understand the many meaning of the dreams but everyone can make good educated guesses about what the dreams might mean to your life.

"Awake, I feel the importance of the dreams - the stuff - that has become overwhelming - "stuff" that has been stored for generations and lifetimes. I spend some time thinking, remembering, processing the dreams. I remember several nights earlier when I woke at 2:00 am with the same oppressive feelings of too much stuff. I remembered getting out of bed and gathering up books, papers, trash, and stacks of "not important" stuff and taking it to the garbage. Then I went back to bed and sleep. This happened in this reality."

The more I processed the feelings, the more I needed to go back to the dream and continue through the layers and depths to find out what was there … in the beyond place.


I went into a deep hypnotic trance, reconstructed the layers of the dreams, watched it unfold once again and once again I failed to go beyond where I had been before. After talking with a Jungian friend, a new colleague at the college, and after analyzing parts of the dream, he pointed out all the detail and how that same detail "caught" me and held me in the past and in old memories.

Note #1: Pause for comments.

At the same time, one of my spiritual colleagues, Beth Hin in Santa Fe, cancelled a class she had scheduled. I found out about it from friends. This had never happened before. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't know what to think but I knew that this was substantially bigger than ordinary overwork. I knew there was a connection to what had happened to Beth, with her pain and what I was experiencing. I knew that Beth would be able to see from a perspective I couldn't. A few days later I drove to Santa Fe to hear her lecture and to talk with her about what was happening. I knew that world events were involved, but I didn't understand any of the specifics.

That time period of a few days, was the time that there would have begun a Third World War - if we were going to have one (we did come very close). Many of "us" (many "special" beings and, as nearly as I can determine, 60 to 100 thousand others) were involved in working with peace at that time. Some of us felt these world events as a deep physical blow to our bodies.

Other things were happening at the same time. Humanity of the planet was working with the Holocaust world scars that continue to plague us. Those of us who consciously do that sort of thing seldom talk about it publicly. We work quietly, on an inner level, with those forces for the good of all beings. There has not been a safe place to bring it into the world on an open and public level. "Hey - family, guess what I have been doing today. A few of us got together and worked with Christ and Buddha to heal some of the planetary wounds." That might be acceptable for a Yogi in India but here in the West it is weird, crazy, schitzo, or simply "not OK" to talk about. "I've been on that road before and won't go there again." I have learned not to discuss it even with those I am most close to (part of the armor - and need for acceptance). It seems that I, among others, am coming out of the closet with who we are.

In our human past, the persecution, the prosecution, the sacrifice, and the eventual deaths experienced by many of us left deep scars in our psychic and emotional bodies. We learned that the world is not a safe place to be fully who we really are. We learned to armor ourselves against the judgments and the rigid beliefs of the world. Even if the "eternal lake of fire and damnation didn't deter us", the judgments of our family and friends tended to keep us quiet. There has been no "place" for the mystic, the spiritual practitioner in today's modern, "Western" world. We learned who to "not" talk to, who to guard against. "Do you know the difference between a mystic and a madman? The mystic has learned who 'not' to talk to" (psychology joke - not very funny is it). We have learned repeatedly that the world is not a safe place to be who we really are. It is difficult to release that kind of long term learning. Then, for many of us, those we did trust, betrayed us.

note #2:

Many times this was our perception more than our reality, but whether our perceptual reality or our relative reality - it still was an unsafe world. We expected the world and people to be less than trust worthy. Our self fulfilling prophecy fulfilled itself - either in our ordinary reality, or in our perception, or both. Once again we had proven the world to be unsafe (I and others - perhaps we unconsciously orchestrated the betrayals to confirm the view that the world is unsafe). We - "I" - could not allow my body, my form-self to be what my spirit was. This has always made it difficult to be in the world with others. My external world resembled Carlos Castanadas' "controlled folly" and my inner world reality was the place I could be real and be me. The more fully I became the spiritual me, the less I knew how to participate in the external world. This paragraph is my story but it may be familiar and true for others.

NOTE #3 2008

Movement toward the evolution of consciousness ...



"Jump", back in time … 
 to the,
Gathering of Circles, August 6-9, 1998


"Beating Death"

The Dream - Friday night, 8/7/98.

I was asleep (in my dream) and became aware (still in the dream, a lucid dream within a non-lucid dream) of a dark figure leaning over me. This figure was going to kiss me and I would die "the kiss of death". Still in the dream - I had fallen asleep with scissors in my hand. I had been cutting pictures for the gathering. I thought (in the dream) "I will fool death" and I stabbed death. Death fell dead beside my bed. I jumped up and ran to a neighboring motel room to tell someone (a good friend) that I had beaten death. I couldn't get the friend to wake up. I began to realize that I had no body. I couldn't shake my friend nor could I speak. In my dream I was having an out of body experience. When I realized that I had no body a figure appeared beside me (perhaps Christ or Buddha). It was someone divine. I began to tell them of the death escape. Then realized that I had not fooled death, death had fooled me. We - the figure and I - began to laugh at the joke. It would not have been surprising if death had appeared in the room with us to laugh with us.

 My silver cord began to gather in a coil at my feet, then dissolved. I said, "Wow, life is lots easier without dragging all that around". We laughed again. The feeling of perfection and freedom remains with me. I can't say that I continue to long for it but the memory is powerful.



Council of Elderhearts


I am revisiting the experiences at the Gathering of Circles - Saturday night


(This reality - not a dream) I went to another campsite, a place I had been before and I knew would be peaceful and safe. I went to take some of the intensity and difficulties to the Council of Elderhearts I work with. Some of these elders are human spirits with a live body. Others are departed human spirits who no longer have a body. Still many of the other members are not of this realm of reality. Usually I can't "see" them (their form) clearly. They appear mostly as light or some other reflection of energy. I believe this is because my humanness has no context to translate their images (maybe they have no image).

The council immediately relieved my distress and assured me that there was no cause to be concerned about any of the events that were troubling me. It was all "insignificant" happenings that I need not give any energy to.

Grandfather David, a long departed Hopi elder who I have known about but never met - at least in this reality - came to me and gave me some information and instruction. The information was about one of the eight realms that I am familiar with --- outside this earth realm of reality. He told me that one of those "worlds" no longer existed. It just is not there anymore. He tried to explain. I could not comprehend. Those eight realms and earth are closely bound together. What happens in one place has direct effect of the others. A note for Christians and Buddhist: the Christ energy and the Buddha energy is equally active on those worlds. There was no regret or sense of loss about that realm. It was something like they had been moved someplace else. That realm had experienced "extreme" and destructive events. I still don't understand.

"As I began to write about the instructions he was giving me, I had the feelings that it was just for me - no need to share. So I won't for now. I am still processing the gathering, the instructions, and my pain. Thank you to my secret angel and to Fran for the cards. Thank you for the prayers. I feel you near. Yes, I hear you when you call me and yes, I was really there. For some others - "I don't know". We will see when it is time. I'm getting mysterious aren’t I? Sorry. If all that means nothing to you forget it. Listen for your own instructions. We all have a direct line.

Back to the lupus flare. Six months pass and the pain still controls my life. I walk the line between life and death - literally. Many of you were aware of that at the gathering. I cannot imagine any way to continue to live in this body and in this life. Once again the homesickness hits me. This was the first time in many years I had felt this thread of sadness about being on the planet as a human being. I thought I had learned to be in the world, to be full of joy, to see the "Maya" - the illusion, and enjoy the action of the play and the audience - the Lila. Now, with the pain, both physical and emotional --- "I just want to go home." I want to go home to the peace, the bliss, the joy … all that I remember from "beyond" life. I am tired. My body won't work. My mind is in a fog. I wonder if I am finally finished with all my commitments in this life. "Please, God, Let me be finished here and come home". I don't know of anything left that I must do. I am ready and eager to go home. Nothing speaks to me to stay on this plane. I say my good bys in subtle ways and leave notes to people. Then I wait for the "big" transformation and transcendence. It does not come. More to do I suppose. OK.

The Dream/Trance/Vision

I remember another dream. A dream I had two weeks before the time that I write this - a dream that was not a dream. I was fully awake. I was with friends in Santa Fe. It was night and I was ready to go to sleep. I felt very bad … pain, ache, distress, and a rare feeling of deep loneliness and longing to be lovingly held. My silence and my solitude is my refuge, my place of being in full union with everything. Loneliness is not a familiar feeling for me. It is when I am alone that I recognize and bask in my union with the divine. I haven't felt lonely in many years. As I lie there on Susan's (or Lynn's) bed and think about who I might choose to be with if I had my magic wand with me, I can't think of anyone I would want here with me. I float into a place free of pain, into my solitude and bliss. A very idealistic and archetypal "beautiful, white, lady of light" sits on the bed beside me. She radiates such brilliance my eyes can't focus on her. I simply bask in the feelings. She touches my forehead, lies down beside me and moves in (into me). I think, "It is finally over". "This is the transformation I knew was coming". It wasn't over. The following two weeks were very difficult. School began, people filled my life, pain filled my body.

My dreams and my incapacitated body are my teachers. When I fail to listen to what I know and when I fail to learn, my body goes on strike and refuses to play any longer. It requires me to be still and pay attention. I sleep and dreams teach me. I have been taught this way in the past and will probably be taught in the same way in the future. My body and my dreams continue to try and provide the lessons but I am not getting it. The pain and the "dark night of my soul" are intense. I can hardly tolerate remaining alive. I frequently think about leaving, praying to be allowed to come home, then, thinking that even if the divine does not allow me to come home, I can always facilitate the process. Then the dream / vision / teaching, that I began this story with, happened. It is too big, too powerful to "not get". It was something of a sledgehammer to my armored mind.


Again. I consciously recreate the dream, the layers, the babies, the flow, the dangers, the going "through and to" the depths, again and again. I move through the stored memories and "stuff" again and again. Then I sit down and just do it. I go to the place beyond the last step.

Beyond the last step

I find myself surrounded by moist earth, sweet smells, no clutter; nothing stored away, just pure clean peace. This is also a place I've been before … with the Mescalara Apache women - twenty or twenty five years ago, with a spirit guide, many times with shamanic journeys. I am not alone. There is no light, but it is not dark. Everything feels right.

The next day I work for a few hours then go to the mountains (this reality, in my car). I drive - for hours. I listen to the tape of Beth's lecture - for the ump-teenth time. I hear things I have not heard before. I stop many times and make notes to myself.

"Couldn't I be separate from the world just a bit? Couldn't I protect myself in just a few places? I am afraid of 'God in Creation' - afraid I will not be supported - not supported in health, in relationships, financially - this body, and this physical state is my enemy. I am not safe on this plane of existence. I have been killed too many times to risk being killed once again. I don't want to stay in world where we are coming into Vedanta - into union. I am not safe here if I have to be in union. I want my refuge. I want to go home."

On this drive, I see what I think is an eagle from the corner of my vision. I stop, get the binoculars and get out to watch it. I see many ravens and think "I must have been wrong, no eagle." Then I see it, sitting in the top of a dead tree. I watch until it flies into the distance. As I return to my car, another vehicle stops and asks me if I want to buy a rug (remember, I am on the Navajo Reservation). A long story later … of age, death of her only son by stabbing, clan responsibilities, the high cost of her new pickup truck, money orders, my cedar bead necklace, the fact that I look "pretty" when I put my hat on (what do I look like without it), grandchildren, and hay for the stock … I buy the rug from Leta, Leta of Luckachuka. This all happens on the side of a rutted, dirt, mountain back-road. I don't ask for her last name. It is too personal to ask for "other" names. And we have already made eye contact. That is deeply personal and rarely done. Neither of us is willing to get any more intimate.

In an old Star Trek episode, a non-earthly energy borrows the physical body of one of the characters and says, "How lonely it is, isolated within this form." I know the depth of the emotion of the statement.

Beth's tape is referring to the armoring I mentioned earlier. She is addressing the shift into the "5th world" the Hopi talk of. She reminds me that we are creating this new way of being. "We are creating the model of this new-world paradigm." She is reminding me/us that:

"We can no longer keep hidden who we really are. We must open the doors of union - open the navel - become the etheric body - nature will teach you the union with the cells of your body - heal any place you are afraid of being killed - feel the soul grief of how much you had to sit on your kundalini so that you did not become an ecstatic (in a world where there is no room - no safe place - for the ecstatic)."

"Feel the 108 meridians of the chakra systems. Feel the transpersonal points above the crown chakra. Discover the 1008 meridians from the 108. Discover the connections to "beyond."

I seem to remove my skin - or it dissolves - not in the ethers or an altered reality - or a dream - but here in the woods in my car, driving this back road through the mountains. There is no longer any separation, anywhere, between anything. The total union with nature and the earth (that previously - I was certain I already knew fully and understood completely), suddenly multiplied by thousands in intensity. I take it all into my body and it takes me into it. I have been in these mountains many times in the past several years. The sweet smell of pine, the blue and green colors of the spruce, sage, cedar, the coolness of the air, the flowing mountain springs … it always nurtures my soul - sings to my heart, and heals my spirit. I am always struck in awe with the beauty. This is so much more - when I thought there could not be any more.

Easy! Nothing new, nothing I haven't always known - you have always known. Nothing we haven't all talked about intimately in small circles for years now. Nothing we haven't said to each other - time and time again. Bigger than our conceptions. Oneness. Union. At-one-ment.

The tape said, "You will now live HERE (now, this reality, this body), what you have wanted to die to become." You, my reader, will either understand that or you won’t. I can't explain any further. I probably wouldn't even if I could. It is experience discovered not shared through words. "I am pointing my finger at the moon" (a Buddhist phrase for teaching, without teaching). It is up to you to look or not look.

The moral to the story….

The real moral is probably more than I will understand for years. Realization, enlightenment, everything is here and it is now and we are creating a new way of being. All we, "I", have been reaching for is here and it is now. It is all happening in this body. I don't have to go anyplace to be there.

Simple isn't it? How do I do it? I will learn. It is safe. The old "stuff" is not valid. Old ways no longer work. We can keep important truths but must discard dogma. It no longer serves a purpose. There is nothing to protect. The 'god me' can't be killed. My armor serves only to keep me from the sacred. Acceptance or rejection does not exist. I am that which is.

My requirements, at least for now …

No, the work is not ended. The samscara (world scars) we carry from the time of the crucifixion, the attempt to poison the Buddha, the violence perpetrated in the name of God, the falls from grace, all this must be healed. It must be a unified process of healing for and by the entire planet.

Children are coming into the world free of the veils of ignorance. Young people are learning very quickly what took many of us a lifetime to learn (some of them are beginning to give up on us). There are lessons to be learned from our differences. Sacred marriage is required - internal marriage of the opposites and the marriage of the masculine and feminine in the external world as equals - is necessary to growth for the whole. We are all teachers of each other. There are gateways for me to keep open and new ones to be opened. The violent temper tantrums of fear must be healed. We have to create a safe place for all beings, here and on other realms.

I remain here until time to go. I renew my commitment to me, and to the sacred, and to the Boddhisattva vows. I live in joy and beauty (and perhaps pain). I live in gratitude.


 Life Continues After Dreamwalking


Good days, then bad days follow. There were several bad days recently and a few especially bad days. Today was an especially bad day. I sent Cliff an e-mail message.

"I must be pretty bad to resort to this … notes on the web. I can't believe it. Nothing else is a distraction. I can't even float. The drive from Gallup was probably one of the most beautiful ever - even that didn't help. All I can do today is cry. I didn't know a person could feel so bad and not die. God. I pray for it to stop. I know it will change but it feels so very hopeless right now. I feel like I can't stand it but there is nothing I can do but stand it. It is hard to remember to trust. This too shall pass … but, better sooner than later. I don't think I have ever prayed so hard in all my life. And not for the highest good - for escape - anyway that looks. Just let me out. Please God.

I stood outside and looked at the Milky Way. I do feel the smallness of all this in the bigness of all that is. But, this feels damned big from this perspective.

I am aware that the worst, … is the fear that I can't continue to work and take care of myself. That scares me silly. I know that there are many options but there are none that are acceptable to me. All I can think or feel is "I can't stand this!" But, … no choice.

Sorry you are my dumping ground again. I trust you not to take it all overly seriously. I trust you to just listen. Dear God, this is not a fun place any more. I need to say it - one way or another - even through the computer - the hated enemy. At least it is relatively silent. Sound hurts. My head hurts. My hair hurts. My teeth hurt. I want to sleep and can't stop the pain long enough to allow it. Waves of pain flow through god … dramatic aren't I. OK. Get over it. Thousands and thousands of ways it could be worse. The lessons around this night should be astounding. I can barely wait until the latest transformation gets here.

There really aren't any safe places to be in the world. The Buddha was right - It is all suffering. The Buddha was wrong - there is no cessation of suffering. I want my armor back.

I promise to write something positive soon, perhaps in the morning. This will not last. "


After another week of pain and being "out of it" I seem to better again. It is difficult to teach my classes. It is frightening to think I might not be able to teach. I know there are always options but I can't think of any that would be acceptable. It is a difficult time. I'm sure I still have much to learn or it would begin to get better.

At my worst times there is nothing but spirit and that is far beyond this world space. I can't seem to hold to spirit when my body and my mind is malfunctioning.

corrected 11/18/1998 

She' Atsah,                             

My eagle you are, flying, soaring so high, far above earth cares. 'Till the weight of the world draws you down to speak, to serve to show others how to open their wings, how to stretch, to jump, to make tiny leaps of faith, and finally fly - then die. I puzzle, deep thought, blood on my wings, soon to dry. What source?

Is it my own pierced heart? Or have my talons released the fountain of some dear kin? It seems not to matter now. The circle begins once more. New life, new flight, with no hindward glance.

My wings are spread, red tail feathers fanned to balance my flight or stay my speed, if need be. We circle together, Eagle … Hawk, in joy, in beauty, above … beyond, then, return to walk again.


Wednesday night: I recalled Thursday morning, just before the trip to Flagstaff with Jeff for Psychology Articulation.

The dream

Six dreams (six worlds) in sequence.

All six were a series of time/space travel. I was moving from time/space to time/space, but I had no control over where I went, or when I left one place for another.

#1 - Backward world - I entered the dream in the bathroom, a small space again. I needed to "pee" so I did, even though I didn't know where I was. There was only clear water in the bowl when I finished. I flushed anyway and waste entered the bowl. I tried flushing several times but more waste entered each time. I left the bathroom and went into the street. Everyone was walking backward. I did too. When people would greet in passing, the words would be reversed. I listened and learned to say "yad doog" (good day) by listening and mimicking the sounds. The streets were modern, much as they would appear today with single story buildings.

In this dream I was "me" experiencing me in another world and was confused.

#2. - I found myself in a mall. I had entered in a small dressing room (small place). It appeared very similar to other malls. Most of the shops were familiar to me. There was a nature store and a specialty bread store that are not usually in malls. I spent several days in the mall and frequently ate at the bread store. At night I would hide until everyone had gone, then I would go to a furniture store with a bed department and sleep there.

There were elevators that I knew would take me to another world, but I preferred to stay in the mall where I could avoid being too different and could find food and water. I had no way of controlling where the elevator would take me. I might wind up in a worse place than the mall. I had to keep walking most of the day and the floors were ceramic tile. My feet hurt and were swollen all the time. But I was relatively safe so I stayed in the mall.

I was "me" in this dream also. I had to learn to blend with the crowd.

#3. This dream took place someplace like it was in "Victorian times". Again I had to watch and learn the rules. Dress was similar to what one would expect in Victorian time; long, fully covering the body, dark in color, sedate. The rules had to do with the speed of walk, hand movements, feet must be fully lifted off the ground, and there was no sound. There was no speech, and very little facial movement. Everyone was slowly moving and appeared to be going some place at a leisurely pace. The surroundings were old brick buildings, dark.

I was in the "observer self", the witness, watching more than participating. The theme was watch and learn.

#4. This dream occurred in a place that looked something like I would expect here in this reality if we had had a WW III. There was old raw wood, lots of rubble, dilapidated stairs which went to destroyed levels of buildings (this is the world that Grandfather David said did not exist anymore). I was homeless and without friends. There were long metal tubes stacked behind some rubble. This is where I slept. The tubes were big enough to get into but not to turn around. I slid in feet first so I could watch the opening. I had to keep hidden, stay out of sight, and move from place to place very carefully.

In this dream I was "me as someone else". The key message was stay hidden.

#5. Bearheart was here and there during to entire dream process but nowhere clearly visible and there was no communication.

Trance/vision - Deep meditation - not a dream. early Thursday morning 10/01/98, after the six dreams.

I went very deep. My goal was to begin to elicit / to purposely create / the sensation of "no sensation", no "I". I began by watching the thoughts and waiting for the thoughts to slow so I could enter the space between the thoughts - the great pause. When I found the space, I decided to bring that "other side of thinking" to here rather than to go there. The "there" was as easy to bring into this realm as it had been to go into that other space, the other side of thinking. I had had to go there and had come to know that a place beyond thinking was possible, before I could begin to think of bringing that beyond thinking to the here and now. First, I was aware of the observer self. Then I moved "beyond" that. There was a strong feeling of "I-less-ness". I experienced the Monad, the ALL, more than I had ever experienced it before.


"It has been only five weeks since Jeff  came here to teach - teach at Dine' College and teach me as I teach him. It is difficult to believe just how much transition has occurred during this time. School began 8/24/98. Jeff arrived a few days before school began. We work well together. We are two professionals interacting in a professional manner. We also share a soul intimacy beyond anything I have felt before (from my point of view, I wouldn't want speak for anyone else). He is the only one I have known that I don't need to explain myself to. He speaks my language, as no one else has. My hope is that many more will be able to speak a common language. I hope and believe that we are part of many people who are setting a new way of being in relationship. I could not have previously conceived of a friendship manifesting in this manner."


Thursday, around noon, Jeff and I left for Flagstaff.

On the trip to Flagstaff I drive part way and Jeff drives the last two hours. While he is driving I consciously go into deep inner space, a very deep trance state with no awareness of externals.


My first experience is one of relaxation, calmness, and the beginning of dissolution into the absolute. I experience the "red increase" then the "white increase". These are two stages of the teachings I have been given - steps to samadi. I bring myself back to semi-alertness. The car and road sounds remain. Earlier, I had been troubled by the road noise. I got on my nerves and I tried to shut it out but was unsuccessful. The wind was blowing very hard and whistled through every crease in the car. The tape is playing - Credence Clearwater Revival. I return to the red, then the white increase. I play there awhile. I then move back to ordinary reality and test my sensory input of light, sound, smell, all the ordinary senses. Then I return to the deep trance where I withdraw all senses and am aware of only my internal world. In the center of each color experience, the red increase and the white increase, is somewhat lighter in color … more nearly white or light. Each center has something like a tongue extended out the opening. It is very seductively calling me into the center. I move toward the tongue and there is the sensation of taste. I taste everything, color, sound, light, the tongue, and all of life. I feel that the tongue is tasting me. I feel the texture of the surface of the tongue, rough, and exploring.

There are spots, blue spots, hundreds of them. I attempt to follow a spot as the spots move in space. I remember one of my Navajo students telling the story about his grandfather. His grandfather told him how to relax, close his eyes, and wait for tiny lights to appear. When the lights appear he was instructed to follow one of the spots into another realm. Following the blue spots take me to ever farther reaches. I have worked with the "blue pearl" and the "blue star" talked about in Native traditions. It, like the white buffalo and the appearance of the "holy people, are signs of the changes which are happening.

My blue man appears. I have been with him so many times there is a familiar recognition and a welcome in my heart. There is union. He is behind me, embracing and absorbing me. We begin to explore the universal realms as we dissolve together into the absolute. On an internal level, I ask questions about past lives. I want to know how and when Jeff was there with me in past times. I ask who the blue man is and how he comes to me. I ask why he comes to me. These questions are deep soul questions not mind questions. They are part of my questing spirit. In answer, I sense that every person who has ever lived shares a molecule with me. Then comes the awareness that there is only one- ONE. All lives are one.

The blue man has always been and will always be; just as I have always been and will always be. We are one together in union, in union with each other and with the ultimate all. We are one, as Tiger and I are one, as Hawk and I are one, as Cliff and I are one. As we are all one.

I return to consciousness, laughing and fully in joy. I begin to tell Jeff some of what I experienced. When I hesitate then laugh and tell him about the tongue, he stops me and tells me to get his bag from behind me. I turn around, find the bag and pull it into the front seat. He tells me to open it and look in a particular place for a book. I pull the book out and it is a book on Kali. On the front cover is Kali, with her red tongue extended

Ma Kali's tongue protrudes, and blood trickles slowly from the sides of her mouth. Some stories say it is due to shame or shyness because she stepped on her husband's body during the war against the demons. Another explanation says that through her tongue she is creating the universe through sound. Another interpretation says that Kali's white teeth and red tongue stand for the white (sattva - balance and wisdom) and red (rajas -activity, restlessness) guna. Her black skin (tamas - inertia, stillness) stands for delusion. Kali stretches out her tongue because she wants to conquer her devotees' tama guana by increasing their raja guna. Through balancing the energies - wisdom, action and stillness -and sacred worship, she leads her devotees toward salvation.

Kali's seed mantra is KRIM. The inner meaning is understood only through deep meditation. "K" stands for full knowledge, "R" means auspicious, "I" means she bestows boons, and "M" that she gives freedom. OM KRIM KALI. The mantra helps one pass through the gross state of the worldly into the subtle light of pure consciousness.


  Comments on Tantra            

"The human body, according to the Tantricas, is the best medium for realizing the truth. This body is not merely a thing in the universe, it is an epitome of the universe, a microcosm in relation to the macrocosm. There is, therefore, nothing in the universe which is not there in the body of a man.

With this idea in view, the Tantrica sadhikas have tried to discover the most important rivers in the nerve system of man, the mountains especially in the spinal cord, and the prominent tirthas (holy places) in different parts of the body, and the sun and the noon-time elements of the exterior universe in all its phases as day and night, fortnight, month and year - have often been explained with reference to the course of the vital winds (prana and apana - exhalation and inhalation).

The human form is thus the abode of the truth, of which the universe is the manifestation in infinite space and eternal time. Instead of being lost in the vastness of the incomprehensible universe and groping in its unfathomable mystery, a Tantric sadhaka prefers to concentrate his attention on himself and to realize the truth hidden in this body with the clear conviction that the truth realized within is the same truth that pervades and controls the whole universe." Sri Ramakrishna



Dreams, Bhodisattva Vows, and More

I did dream, process, and grow. Key parts of my dream follow. Once again, I am ready to give up. Then I remember my Bodhisattva Vows and I am reminded of my commitments.

 The Dream

I returned to the cellar at my grandparents house. I closed the cellar door, permanently. ….

I announced to my family and others that "there is nothing down there, don't open it any more". The cellar and all it represents is gone. I then gathered up all the family pictures and separated them into stacks. I gave them to the appropriate people, the ones most interested in each set.

 I am not the keeper of the history any more. I am not the caretaker of others. I told my family and friends that there would be no more hidden statements. If anyone had anything to say, then say it, or keep quiet - direct, open, statements - only. There would be no veiled statements hidden behind teasing. I am who I am. Accept that. I, too, must accept me as I am.


It is interesting how we believe that something is accomplished then we have to face the same truth all over again at a new deeper level. I believed that I had come to a place of total acceptance. I found part of me that still felt that I should be something else, for someone else … more grandmother, more daughter, more sister, more of what I thought others want me to be.

There was strong recapitulation with Granny, Grandpa, Jo, Linda, Mother, Rodger, Cliff, and an unknown man. Someone else was selected to represent all the other family - maybe Aunt Ella. I took back all the energies I had left behind with anyone - with everyone. I reclaimed all the pieces of me that I had given away. This doesn't mean that I withdraw my love and caring. It means I don’t cut off some portion of myself and leave it with others as I have done in the past. After the dream I feel even more whole than I have before.

Friday night Jeff and I went to the movie to see "Saving Private Ryan". Jeff told me that it was violent so I was prepared, I thought. I didn't realize that it was WWII until the date appeared, June after my birth the previous July. I would have been almost one year old. That made it more personal, but I still allowed it to flow through me rather than take it inside me. I wondered about what Daddy had experienced during that time. He never talked about his war time experiences.

At some point during the movie, the inhumanity of man toward man became a very strong emotion within me. I began to question all my commitments.

"What is this creature I have committed to. Why would I believe that enlightenment for everyone was possible. How long had I worked with humans and how much longer would I need to stay." Inside I rebelled. "I want to go home, I don't belong here, I am a foreigner."

Had I seen the movie when I was so very ill, just a few weeks ago, I might have committed suicide, It would have been the final feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I could not stand humans any longer. I had no understanding of the killing of others - the inhumanity. I had come to resolution about being a victim. Holocaust victims, those who have been persecuted, sacrificed for their beliefs - those, I could understand and could put myself in their place. I could understand the role of the psychopath, the mentally unbalanced who killed or tortured. I had never before experienced the cooperation of soldiers in war, killing - because they were suppose to, because it was their duty. I had failed to look into the psyche of good people who had voluntarily done bad things.

I couldn't talk about the movie that night. I was too strongly affected. I needed to process my feelings, the movie, my commitments, my Bodhisattva vows, my work, my life - everything. It was breakfast the next morning before we talked. Jeff had said that the movie always left him feeling uplifted. I asked about this feeling. He stated that the love, the bonds, and the willingness for sacrifice established in extreme times like war, reinforced his feelings about life and humanity (this is my interpretation of his comments).

I could see the positive attributes he was seeing, but I saw the other side. "What IF we had a war and no one came. Individuals must be willing to fight. I would rather die on the side of "not" fighting than fighting."

The most significant outcome of reproducing so vividly the horrors of war could be to remind us that we do not want to do that again. If, when contemplating war, the leaders could watch the first 15 minutes of the movie, they might remember that "it was a bad idea".

In the summer of '95 I went through many transformations. I somewhat jokingly call it the summer I became a Buddhist. I do not consider myself a Buddhist any more than I consider myself a Christian but I follow the teachings of many beliefs, sacred teachings, religions, and pathways. That summer I took an number of empowerments, teachings, and vows within the Buddhist ways. One of those empowerments - transmissions - was a commitment to continue my work to assist in the enlightenment of all sentient beings. I put much thought into this vow. I now realize that I probably have taken it many times in the distant past. It was, at least partly, my choice to return to the human plane this time. I "could have" entered another place.

Probably, part of me has always regretted that agreement. I retained enough memory of the "other" to keep me longing for more than has been possible to have here on the earth plane.

The Bodhisattva vows are long and extremely detailed. I read and reread the vows before I was willing to consider taking them. I still felt the need to translate them into my own words about what I was truly vowing to do.

My Vows:
    As I gain insight into the true nature, I strive toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings (this world and others). 
    As I recognize my ultimate, primordial connection with all things, I realize that we all must move toward enlightenment together.
    I vow to bring all my passions, my actions, and my thoughts, into harmony, into balance, into unity, for the highest possible good of all existence.  
    I pledge to embody and reflect the truths, the Dharmas, and the highest teachings.
    I vow, I pledge, to awaken and remain awake in the highest Buddha consciousness, the pure enlightened nature in order to achieve liberation (salvation) and enlightenment for all existence.

I  don't often question my vows. I thought very carefully before making them." My feeling about the movie caused me to question my commitments to humanity.


The Dream - Friday night after the movie.

Classic dream about good and evil - "I think".

There were three main "evil" beings, two male and one female. They were to infect the planet with their evil. If they came into direct with anyone, they would lick them (the tongue was again very significant), that and other touch, would infect that person. Then that individual would be "one of them". During the dream I killed them in several ways. They always resurrected. Much of the dream was protecting others, and trying to kill the three evil ones. In order to get close enough to kill them some of "our" side volunteered to go into that realm. Once there they would be infected but we had developed a "cure" for humans. We hoped that we could get to them in time to cure the infection of evil. When they were with the "evil ones" they were to give them an injection to immobilize them then we/I would come and kill them (they were not curable).

There was only one way to kill the evil ones. I had U shaped, soft, cloth contraptions that I place around the back of their heads, leaving the front of the forehead - the third eye - open. Then I took a large mallet and smashed their brains. If the brain parts were left too large, they could return to life and body - regenerate. So I had to keep hitting until the parts of the brain were all very small - completely destroyed.

I state that I could not kill. Then in the dream world I kill in the most vile way imaginable. I kill in the name of destroying evil. This seems to be a way of "pulling the wool over my own eyes", Are there reasons / justification for killing?


We shopped again in Flagstaff. I found a second book on the crystal skulls. The feelings concerning the Mitchell-Hedges skull, Anna Mitchell-Hedges and her presentation are once again outstanding in my thoughts. I will have to reexamine those feelings, read about the Skull and process that 1986 experience.

9/4/98, Sunday at home ….

The Dream last night - Sex for the sake of sex - 10/03/98.

I was teaching at a different school - something like in Odessa. I had returned to Texas to take care of someone. I was teaching and discovered a closed, locked area. I was curious.

An old acquaintance appeared. She was very angry and wanted to kill me for some past (high school) transgression. She attacked me and I restrained her. When she was quiet, I asked what I had done to cause such anger. She told me. (I haven't called her reason back from the dream - It didn't make sense, even in the dream) We talked, and defused the situation. Everything seemed to be OK. We were both unclothed. I began to look for my clothes and found cloth to use for a wrap. In my wrap, I went into the area that had been locked. It was now open.

The art teacher was there. There were dangerous and valuable forging equipment and other art supplies. That was why it had been locked. The art teacher was Bill, a ceramics teacher I had had in Odessa in the past. Bill had changed his name (last name) and was working on his PHD. I had lost my hat and we went looking for it in the field where we had been earlier. Earlier there had been bands practicing, sports events occurring and arts activities were happening - selling and creating. It was now night and we were looking for my hat - no hat. We went back into the building and I was leaving. Bill went to the "hot tub". I walked out, remembered that I needed my clothes and went back for them. Bill and I talked for a long time, he was in the hot tub and I sat on the edge. He said he was glad that I had appeared. He wanted a partner for sex without any attachments. I said that I wanted the same thing. We still did not especially like each other due to the past ceramics class experience. --- perhaps that situation needs to be recapitulated --- . He told me that he didn't believe that I could remain emotionally unattached. I assured him that I could. He kissed me - and I left (again). I returned later. We had sex - good sex- three times. It could in no way be called making love.

A student of his came into the room and said she wanted him - and she was pregnant. I became the observer. I watched as he told her that he didn't want to be with her and didn't want any part of the child. Her grandmother came into the room and told him that he should do the right thing and marry her. He said NO he would not. They talked about an abortion. He told her it was her decision but he would assume no responsibility. He had been with many women and believed that she had been with many others also. He said that he had just had sex with (pointed to me). She said that wasn't possible, that they had just had sex and he couldn't have "done it again". I confirmed that we had. The grandmother turned to me and said I should step out of the picture and he would marry the student. I said that I didn't care if they married, if she had a child, if he slept with all his students. None of that was my concern. I wanted occasional - good sex. As long as he was willing to participate he could do whatever he wanted the rest of the time.

Bill and I came to an agreement to call and ask, when we wanted sex. The other person could agree or decline. Either was OK. We were in agreement, and I went back to my classroom.

The past, present, and future - all seem to be the same. We didn't like each other, but we satisfied the other's need. We were in agreement and there was no conflict or doubt. It was just a choice.


I don't really understand this dream "stuff" about unattached , meaningless sex. Bill is someone I haven't thought about since the early '80's. I never considered him for a sex partner. Why Bill? It seems beyond my understanding - probably very important - and I'm trying to not understand.

I continue to process my commitment to this realm and to humanity. A big part of me wants to give up and go home. I don't see much hope for the change that I see a possible for humanity. There is so much available. Yet, I see intelligent people no only refusing what is there before them for the taking but wanting to hold on to things as they are. The idea of change seems too much to contemplate. So we stay in the present with all the problems we are familiar with.


Dying in Canyon de Chelly


2       Dream/vision          

The most significant dream wasn't actually a dream - more twilight vision. There was the stray thought that "if I were really going to leave and if I were going to facilitate that leaving, how would I want to go. I am one of those people who while standing on some precipice, wonder how it would feel to fall. There is a particular canyon rim that is not only high but it is straight down and "one" could jump and not worry about hitting the rock wall. In the eye of my thoughts, I stood on the edge and imagined the feeling of the fall. It is my thought that there would be no sensation of hitting because it would be so fast that awareness would be only of the sensation of the fall. I created it in my thoughts and played it through a few times. The sight of the ground coming up to meet me always detracted my feelings from the sensation of the fall. The next rehearsal was to walk to the edge in the dark, let the beginning of the fall be a surprise, then the fall through the dark would be sensation only with no visual deterrence to the fullness of awareness. In my nighttime imagination I guessed that it would take 4 or 5 seconds before arriving at the bottom. The next awareness would be of "not being" or "being no longer alive".

I recognize that these kinds of thoughts are not common to many people. However, so much of "me" lives in that realm and knows it's joys firsthand that I can see only the beauty not the fear that fills most people. The transition from this life to the next realm is so brief and so very easy that it holds no anxiety at all for me.

I would like to share the sensation of "there" with my reader. There have been mystics and sages that have described it many times. We are familiar with the stories of Near Death Experiences of individuals who have "died" and either been sent back or were brought back my medical intervention. The "teller of these tales" say that the telling is so very inadequate in being able to express the peace. That must be one of the major understatements of all time. It is so much more beautiful/blissful than can be translated into human words. The most that can be done is to allow people to know that there is so much more.


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