Past Life Regression: Part of Healing
In my dream world, the drive was through a tunnel of green trees with a soft misty feeling in the air. Deer were on everywhere, in the trees. It was a magical place. When we exited the trees, there was road-work and the traffic was very heavy. In the dream there was a major accident involving a truck, several cars, fire much death. I'm not sure if we were in the accident or not.
The same day, Rodger came in the afternoon. He knew that I might not be returning until that morning. That gave me time to sleep a bit and process the events of the previous day. As always, even after a long absence, when he arrived it was as if he had left only moment earlier. We were completely together with no separations. The comfort was as complete as always. I touched his face and he was there, once again. I so enjoy the ease with which we slip into each others energy. For the next few hours we were "completely" together, in our warm, close, deep connection.
A bit later, not too soon , my spirit sister Lynne came. She was spending the weekend also. She is still up then down again. Parts of her life are difficult now. The three of us talked - long and deeply. We talked about the talk that Beth had given, about our spiritual paths, the diversions from the path . It is good to be with others who are committed to walking their truth - impeccably. I was fully open. Nothing was held back, measuring whether or not there would be acceptance. I talked about the things I know, things I feel - sense. I talked openly and easily.
Sunday Lynne went to canyon overlooks. Rodger and I drove through the mountains. We found old roads that no one had used in many years. We found silent, solitary place to commune, to be with the earth.
That same day I did something I had not done in many years. Lynne said she did not remember me ever doing it. I cooked a full meal, bar-b-que, grits, blackeyed peas, pea salad, iced tea - the works with what I had in my kitchen. Lynne, Rodger, Jeff, Don, and I ate together. Don had to leave soon after the meal. I asked the others to give me a healing. They agreed.
Lynne sat at my feet, Rodger at my right, Jeff at my left. I began the trance state myself. I slipped easily in that familiar feeling. Jeff did some deepening techniques. He made suggestions about a person, an animal spirit, or an entity to guide me. Immediately Old Woman was there. I spent a few minutes thanking her for the years we have been together. It was like two sisters connecting after a long parting. I'm unclear what that means. She has never been gone. She has been inside me all the time - since moving into me several years ago. We have never been apart. There was something special about being separate. and seeing each other - face to face once again. The globe was with us as it had always been in the past. She held it, I held it. We, combined with a strong masculine strength, held it.
Soon Jeff suggested that I move to a "special" place. I returned to the inner world of the earth. The Apache women, who first took me on my journey to the inner earth to dance my masculine self, were there. The dance was repeated. It was like a fast-paced rerun of that moment of my life. I relived the transformation that occurred there in that time so long past. Then I did a past life review. I didn't know that was what was happening when it began but that is what happened. "I" knew that my physical self remained in a place someplace safely protected so that my spirit double could re-experience the times and lives from the past that were most relevant to the issues I was confronting at this time. I was carried backward through seven times, seven lives that continue to influence me.
The first reliving was my most immediate past life. It returned in reverse. I moved from my mother's womb to the waters of the canal where I had been shot in the back. Once again I felt and watched my no longer living body sinking in to the depths of the dark waters. From my death I experienced the run for my life from the hiding place. I remembered my girl friend coming to warn us that we had been betrayed the time before when my parents and I lived in quiet way on our family land. The I moved to the waiting place between lives.
The second reliving was Karla, the lace curtains, the room overlooking the dirt street. The home over the family store. I remembered my brother who lived with me and my husband after the war, the Civil War.
Thirdly, I continued back to find myself once again a small frightened girl, freezing, hidden beneath the branches of the evergreen tree that I had finally trusted to protect me from my pursuer and from the cold snowy death in the night. I remembered the fight my father had with his partner. I remembered the shots. Then, peering through the crack in the door and seeing both my parents dead on the wood floor of our cabin. I knew he would be after me next. I recalled unlatching the fold-down wooden window cover and slipping out into the night. I remember running until my lungs burned from the cold. I once again knew that I could run no more and that there was no place to run. I slipped beneath the branches and hid. I had no way to know that I was not actually pursued. Even in his drunken state, he knew that I could not survive the freezing night. He had never even left the cabin to come after me. I relived the feeling of knowing that I was dying, first so cold I couldn't stand it. Then not caring about the cold, then watching as the snow drifted over my body and quickly covered that small figure in the white nightgown.
Next, I moved backward toward another time. I remembered the shipboard deck, the storm that was so intense in the darkness, my screaming baby. Or perhaps it was me screaming, knowing that we were to die. I felt the child pulled from my arms after we were in the water. I re-knew the silence of the depths of cold water, no longer cold in death. Once again I floated in the peace of non-life. I wanted to know what the child had no chance to experience life. It was all so short, and she never saw her father.
The fifth, sixth and seventh lives that I relived, slip into and then out of my consciousness. They are vivid for a moment then slide into unconsciousness. I remember saying or thinking - that must be my imagination.
In my fifth life - probably in the late 1200's - when the witch hunts were so strong in Europe (perhaps England or Ireland) I was known as one who worked with herbs and healing and with "fixing" things. I helped mend broken hearts, saw that babies got over the croup, assisted in birthings, and had the second sight. When they began to seek out and destroy the witches I was among the first. No one came to my defense. The test was to determine if I could stand the weight of a number of stones placed on top of a door covering my reclining body. They laid me on the ground, held me down and others, even the women, began to place large stones on the old door. Slowly I was crushed. I remember hearing my ribs give way. It was no longer possible to breathe. I didn't survive. I guess that proved I was NOT a witch. A witch could have used her craft to survive. I don't remember being comforted by having been found not guilty.
The sixth life I remembered was a life as an Anasazzi holy person, a medicine man. I was one of the sages they trusted to guide their life. I and others told the people that the water would return. It had always returned in the past after other dry spells. This time it did not come back. I told the people that I could "make" the water return. I stayed much time in my "kiva" in prayer and ceremony, beseeching the gods to give the water. I climbed to circle and dagger realizing that it was too long past the time for the water. Many old people and children had already died. I knew that I had failed. If I did not choose to take my own life, the others would kill me. Granted, this is a bit more drastic than the way we sue the doctors for malpractice now. I arrived at the top in tome to watch the point of the dagger enter the circle of time, then I jumped from the top in payment for my failure to elicit the blessing of the gods.
Seventh - Aztec - temple priestess sacrificed - heart cut out.
11/18/1998 more details later
The eight live was much further back in time. I was a man in a boat casting a net. The boat was anchored not far from shore. I keep thinking this was "Jesus" time but that seems too farfetched to even consider as a possibility. I'm not sure why but that time seems too sacred for me to participate in. Now is that self judgment or what? I can play in all of time and be whoever, but Jesus" time is too blessed for me to have been part of. Interesting insight into my own psyche. The vision of the man, older, gray hair and beard, is quite vivid. The phrase that keeps entering my mind is "fishers of men". There is an "almost" vision of someone on shore beckoning to me. But my "this reality thinking" won't allow me to consider the possibilities.
Above all the lives, the visions, there was an awareness of a "me" sitting at a large, heavy, hand hewn wooden desk. I was writing in a large book. I would write for a time then watch again, recording all that I witnessed. I participated and I recorded.
My viewpoint withdrew to a much more distant place. I was aware of the lives I had reviewed, and many more lives. I was unaware whether they were "me" or not. There no longer seem any distance or difference between me and Me. I was both the participant and the observer. I participated in the events I have related, I participated as the recorder of the records, and I participated as each and all of many other existences.
Buddha, Christ, ... All Spiritual
As I gained distance, I saw the lives that I had relived as small points on a single branch of something like a giant tree without leaves. I saw that there were thousands of more branches filled with even more lives. All were extensions from a trunk-like base. I basked awe at the beauty and joy of the vision. I wanted to simply be there in co-existence with this life force.
This took me almost to the trunk at the base of the branches.
Christ, Buddha, Mohammed were all at splits where the branches began. There were MANY other branches I could not "see" or understand.
The past lives I remembered on this night, were all on the Christ branch.
I began to feel the tug of ordinary reality and did not want to consider returning so I moved one step further away. As I did I saw that there was much more. I could clearly see the trunk. It was the time of man becoming man. The entire root structure was evident. At least I interpreted the vision as a root structure. Someway, the root structure and the branch structures worked together to complete itself. They nurtured themselves.
Are the worlds I work with on the root system or the branches?
At least one branch of the root system was comprised of the light people.
Another was the kind of beings we now think of as aliens, short gray beings and tall, thin, insect-like.
So far everything was represented to me in two-dimensional form. I noticed that and asked about the third dimension. Immediately the third dimension began to form. Already I was overwhelmed. Each of the lives I remember was three dimension in my way of seeing. But from this outer perspective it all looked only two dimensional. The third dimension was incomprehensible to my thinking. This is when I began to be unable to "think" about what was happening. As soon as I began to think thoughts, the "knowing" would slip away from me. I consciously chose to experience it without thinking about. It was only after an additional few nights of conscious dream-work that I could call it into thinking. Even as I was dream-walking, I would feel it all try to slide away as I tried to think about it with my "this reality" thinking.
The next part, I really don't know how to share. There were other - additional dimensions occupying the same "space" (it wasn't really a space but I don't have any other words to express what it was). In our course subjects we use the term embedded to refer to the many things we teach that add to the course, but are not part of the course (like gender, culture, global awareness embedded in an English writing class or a painting class). I can't think of a better term for the way the dimensions were folded together. They seemed to be embedded in each other but they remained unaware of the existence of the other components of the larger reality.
I have vague recall of Lynne speaking of "healing that would serve me well". Other sensations were of Rodger and his hand on my heart. Jeff was holding a wooden object I had carved and consider sacred and directly related to me. He also held a ghost bead necklace he had made with the carved talisman. At one point he stood at my head and placed his hands on my neck/throat and spoke of divine love. I don't remember much about he physical body sensations but the soul sensations remain vivid and powerful.
Returning to ordinary reality was a very slow process. Perhaps it was partly because I was reluctant, but I was also eager. I wanted to bring the experience back with me. As I became more focused, my first awareness was sensation in my face and my hands. It was something of a slow discovery process. It was my physical-ness that I was discovering. I was becoming a "me" again. I had moved far beyond me into something greater than my ability to conceive. The time I was away from my body seemed short and the time to rediscover my form seemed infinitely long. Before I could move, I began to talk, to relate the experience to the others but mostly to set the events in my mind in an attempt to not forget anything. I am sure even more parts have slid away from my consciousness.
A few nights later in additional dream-work, I looked at the root/trunk/branches configuration once again. I saw the entire structure as a neuron sending and receiving messages. This vision far exceeded my ability to adequately comprehend without putting it into the context of the infinite. Now, the entire structure I envisioned was seen to be as minute as a single neuron. One neuron insinuated the existence of billions of additional neurons. It felt like the neurons inside my brain were going to burn out from over stimulation. I had to shut down. I could not begin to "think" about the implications.
As I was returning to full consciousness, Jeff placed my wooden totem piece and his bead necklace on the surface beside me. As I reached out my hand fell on the objects. It was an almost electrical sensation. I took them in my hand and held them together. Jeff had gathered the cedar seeds as directed by a Navajo Medicine Man's directions. He had strung the beads with stone and shell of appropriate color at each of the directions. The necklace was given to me that night. It is a precious treasure, a gift from a friend, a symbol of the four sacred mountains and their protective embrace, a sharing of energy of time, space, energy, history, and timelessness.
Once again I return to the concept of simultaneity. All of this must be happening - or existing within the same whole, without time or space. It is all much too big for my brain thinking to relate to. It is only in the place beyond thinking that I can "think" about it. Perhaps this "knowing" that is not the same thing as thinking is what we are bringing into this evolution of consciousness.
The weekend was as near perfect as it is possible to be. Monday was a holiday and I had arranged to work at home on Tuesday, so I was fully rested, renewed, and eager for the classes and students.
Nothing especially difficult happened. The day was ordinary. I wasn't. By the time we had our regular division meeting, I was once again feeling overwhelmed. The thought of "why, why am I staying here on this planet. There is nothing else I can do for the world, for me, or for anyone. Those thoughts of suicide had returned. Fortunately they did not stay too long. By class at 6:00 PM that evening, I was again ready for class and for the fullness of life.
This was my first acknowledgement that I was probably severely depressed. I had considered it before today but had not given the thought much validity. Today I am acutely aware of the extremes of up and down I have been feeling. There has definitely been a return of "maybe I'm just crazy".